
I have been working on developing a video parent training course. It covers the basics of behavior, children with oppositional tendencies, and how to adjust parenting strategies to increase behaviors you want to see and reduce or eliminate behaviors you don’t. Kind of a sneak peek, since I am not quite done recording videos, but I will post a link when it is done. That said, there is a section on the tried and true Timeout Procedure, why its a great way to modify behavior, how it should be used correctly, and how to troubleshoot issues when it doesn’t work how you would like. Below, see my free gift to you, a reminder on these topics and general guide on successful use of the Timeout. We all need a Timeout sometimes. I think of the adult version as the Mental Margarita 🙂
Some background, the purpose of a Timeout is to move a child from a high audience, high stimulus, high reward setting to one that is completely the opposite. A Timeout can be initiated anywhere, but it is often helpful to have a space in mind at home. The location is variable, but should have a couple of important characteristics.
- Your Timeout spot should be safe. Being scary and confining is NOT the point. It should be well lighted, well ventilated, and safe (free of sharp objects, chemicals, cleaners, etc.). It should be away from other children as an audience and out of standard household traffic.
- Your Timeout spot should be BORING. This is the most important part. The goal is to move your child from a high stimulus setting to a super low stimulus spot. Your child’s bedroom is NOT a good place. They have a comfy bed, laptop, music, and are free from you asking them to do stuff. SEND ME!!
- Your Timeout spot should be a place where you can supervise or monitor. A chair, chair or seated spot on the floor in the corner, bottom step of the stairs, bathroom stripped of all things interesting, or laundry room make good choices. Don’t make them stand and don’t impose any physically fatiguing rules, like holding the arms out or any other punitive measure. Discipline should never include hurting your child. This models aggressive behavior and perpetuates the use of physical strength to make someone else subservient. That is not parenting. The goal is NOT pain, it is removal from a preferred activity or option and movement to a place that is so boring they don’t want to be there.
- Some families will use a two part Timeout setup, with the chair or bottom step as the go-to option but the bathroom as the backup option for situations when the child does not stay in the first Timeout spot or escalates out of control.
The only way that a Timeout will work is if you do your parent part correctly. The goal is to fully “ghost” your child during the time limit. Verbally state the rule that was broken, “John, hitting is not allowed. Timeout!” No talking, no eye contact, no huffing and puffing, no yelling, no nothing. Do NOT take the bait and give in to the urge to argue, reprimand, or reinforce what they should have done. Timeout must be a procedure that is used only AFTER appropriate amounts of planning and preparation. You need to determine the rules (locations) and then clearly share with your child or children what the rules governing Timeout are. Below, see the advance planning steps that you should take.
- Timeout is only going to be successful if you have the right amount of positive interaction with your child. If you go around like a drill sergeant, yelling, spanking, and criticizing, Timeout away from you starts to sound like a really great option. The goal is for them to want to interact with you more than they want to sit staring at the wall. This means lots of praise, positive, and love when interacting with your little one. If you stopped here because you are a glass half empty kind of parent, consider some preliminary methods for increasing positive behaviors in your parenting style.
- Create a set of household rules that you expect. No need to get fancy, but some basic no-no behaviors that will result in Timeout should be established. Consider some basics like follow directions, talk nicely, take care of the house and its contents, treat pets nicely, and be kind.
- Explain the Timeout procedure. Make the practice session at a time when the whole family is together and calm. Tell your children that you are trying to make the strongest most awesome family, which means having rules and sticking to them. Discuss the steps for a Timeout. Practice and role-play your procedure with the children while they are calm. Answer questions and problem-solve WHAT IF items (more below).
- Use a Safe Base Timeout. Don’t using the Timeout procedure without the above steps. When you do start, begin on a weekend when you and your parenting partner or any other caregivers can be present and participate. The first few may be rough, so having a lot of time in the privacy of your home may be needed.
- Use a kitchen timer. Let the timer, not the parent, call the time for a Timeout. This limits interaction and makes sure that you do not turn into the bad guy. Never let your child determine their own time limit for Timeout. A good rule of thumb is one minute per year of age (e.g. 6 minutes for a 6 year old). This kind of method is potentially helpful up to about age 12. After that, other methods will make more sense. Stick to the time limit, not a statement like, “You can come out when you behave.” This leaves it up to the child. After the behavior, state the rule that was broken, call the Timeout, and set the timer for the child’s time limit. Do not let the child hold the timer. It is best if they don’t see the timer. Ignore questions about how much time is left.
- The child should spend their entire time limit and should only be allowed to leave the Timeout spot if the last 30 seconds have been absolutely quiet. Talking and yelling should not happen for 30 continuous seconds before the child is released. Set the timer and wait for the bell or alarm to sound. Count 30 seconds of silence before you excuse them.
- Start the Timeout in your more open space like the chair facing the wall, seated facing the corner, or bottom step of the stair. If they leave the spot, without interacting place them back in the Timeout spot. Don’t get rough; again, physical punishment is NOT the goal. For a child that does not stay in the space or is out of control, transition to your boring room where the door can be closed. A powder bathroom or laundry room that you have prepared ahead of time is ideal. If they run the water, flush the toilet, or make a mess with toilet paper, do NOT respond. This can be resolved after. The door should remain firmly closed. The only time you should go in and disrupt Timeout is if your child could potentially hurt themselves.
- Decide what to do if your child refuses to go to Timeout. I would suggest adding a minute for each refusal. No discussion, no argument, just “Go to Timeout. That’s one more minute.” Calm, cool, and unemotional. Determine a maximum time limit, say 30 minutes. If your child gets there through repeated refusals, you can impose an item lockdown, where a favorite item (phone, iPad, video game, laptop) is locked up (your trunk, a safe) until the 30 minute Timeout is completed. In extreme cases, you can lockdown the entire house and shut all activity down until the Timeout is complete.
- When you end the Timeout, make a simple closing statement. “Thank you for taking your Timeout, we don’t hit.” If the problem was related to opposition or not following directions, restate the request or demand that you made that resulted in a behavioral issue. Don’t allow your child to get out of that request through a long and painful Timeout. The request should be completed or Timeout should be initiated again. This is why starting this procedure on the weekend is helpful, because several bad Timeouts may be needed for your child to figure it out.
- When a successful Timeout is completed and the original request is completed, thank your child and go about your activities. Pretend that you have amnesia and COMPLETELY wipe the slate clean. Close the book on this moment and move on to the next one. It is tempting for parents to insert a post-Timeout snipe like, “See, if you had just done what I asked in the first place we wouldn’t have wasted all that time.” This isn’t helpful and will not make the Timeout more impacting for your child. You stated an expectation, they met that expectation (eventually), so the conflict is OVER.
- The last step is to watch for something that your child is doing well over the next few minutes. Catch them being good and praise with a smile, eye contact, and potentially a pat, hug, or squeeze. “Honey, you colored that picture so beautifully.” This is a sign that you have moved on and they should too.
How do you know if Timeout is working? You will know if the behaviors that you are targeting and imposing a Timeout for is decreasing. Keep a log and give it 2 weeks at a minimum. BE CONSISTENT. Even the most beautifully designed behavior plan will fail in the face of parent wish-washing and inconsistency. What if they have a very strong initial reaction? That is usually a good sign that they will be responsive, since they are majorly opposed to going to Timeout. What if they declare that they love this idea? Ignore them and watch for a reduction in problem behaviors; let that observation be your guide on whether it is working. There is a bonus side effect to this behavioral method. It gives parents a chance to cool down as well. Each Timeout begins to break the cycle of escalating misbehavior, yelling, arguing, and conflict.
Troubleshooting:
Be careful that Timeout is less interesting than what your child is doing. If they are refusing to do homework and would love to get up and walk away, Timeout is not going to work. They need to be moving from a relatively interesting, entertaining, and free space to one that is boring, uninteresting, and limited. This shift is the essential element.
Most parents that have tried and failed at using Timeout to their benefit make one common mistake. They interact, talk, and engage too much. Don’t give in to the temptation to chastise, redirect, criticize, or rationalize. Don’t take the bait when your child tries to irritate you or pick a fight. This will completely undo all of your good efforts.
What if your child inserts a delay like, “When I am finished with this I will go?” Tell your child that you are adding time time on to their Timeout.
What if your child refuses to go to Timeout (“You can’t make me go”) but then they begin to comply or stop misbehaving. Ignore the complaints. Add any delay time and enforce the Timeout.
What if your child won’t come out of Timeout? Fine, let them stay. Make sure they do what you asked. If they don’t, start Timeout over again. If they state something like, “Great, I love Timeout” ignore them. This is usually a bluff.
What if both children are fighting? Both children get a Timeout, but in different places. If the involvement is clearly one-sided in the form of an attack, the attacker gets the Timeout. Only impose Timeout for behaviors you personally see and hear, not accusations that you cannot confirm directly.
What if your child causes some sort of damage to their space or materials during Timeout? One step at a time. Make sure they complete the full Timeout and that 30 seconds of silence happens before it is ended. Make sure that they follow through on a request that they ignored or argued about prior to the Timeout. After that is complete, they should be required to restore the space to the way it was before the Timeout or better. If an object is broken, hold on to it until “prime time.” This is the time when they are doing something that they love, like watching a favorite show or playing on the weekend. This is when the item should repair the item as completely as possible before they can return to what they were doing.
What if your child hits you on the way to Timeout? Label that behavior and add time. For instance, “No hitting. That’s 5 more minutes.”
What if your child calls names, swears, or screams in Timeout? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Any response that you make will give attention to your child, which you are trying to avoid at all costs. Even looking at them and narrowing your eyes may be enough to have this behavior repeated or escalated.