Your Primary Job: Love and Affection
Let’s talk about what is an is not your job when you have an elementary-aged child. You are the boss of love and affection. Your job every day should be to pat/snuggle/squeeze/cuddle, hug, kiss, and smile at your child. They need this from you and you are the only mom/dad/caregiver that they will have. This is a special job that only you can be in charge of. Your kids may receive affection and support from lots of people in their world (hopefully!) but there is something unique and essential about the love and care that a parent gives a child. This is your primary and most important job as a parent.
Providing Basic Needs: Safety, Shelter, and Stability
You are the boss of basic needs, like shelter, clothing, food, and safety. Especially in a world where stress, risk, and adversity are so loud around your kids, being in charge of these basic needs is so much more essential. Beyond love and affection, your children should be certain every day that you are there to provide a place to feel safe, a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, and food in their bellies. It does not have to be pricey, fancy, name branded, or the height of cuisine. Just the basics are just fine. If you have the time, energy, and resources to do and offer more, excellent! Things that fall into these basic categories are definitely your job and are how, beyond affectionate words, smiles, and cuddles, you show your child that you care for and will care for them.
Avoiding the Pressure to Overprovide
However, providing for your children can sometimes feel like it requires more than this. We live in a world where our worth can sometimes be tied to the outward appearance of our success and our “things.” When you are trying to provide a good life for your children, or maybe a better life than you had as a kid, this can sometimes mean equating good parenting with your purchase potential. That is simply not the case! Having resources to get your children things (toys, gadgets, fun stuff, etc.) is a wonderful bonus, but is not actually required to be a wonderful parent.
Teaching Financial Responsibility: It’s Not Your Job to Buy Everything
It is NOT your job to buy your child whatever they request. The process of growing up to be a financially secure and responsible individual starts early and should include wants that they have but are either denied (because you disagree that they need that item now, or at all) or deferred to another time when you/they can afford it. These are essential life experiences and learning to both tolerate and problem-solve such situations is a much-needed adult skill. It is not bad to tell your children that you cannot afford something right this moment or that you agree that they could have something but that you believe they should be the one to pay for it. It is essential for your kids to begin to value money and the work that it takes for you to provide for their needs. Knowing the cost of things, watching you consider options and bargain hunting, and thinking about how much of their time/your time it would take to buy a specific item are all really valuable experiences for them as they grow up. If your children grow up with a money tree and instant access to all of their desires, they will spend more time seeking something new than they will valuing and using the things that they are gifted or given. If they still want something after doing chores to earn it, they are far more likely to love, cherish, and take care of it. If they break something and are immediately rewarded with an upgraded replacement, what is their incentive to be careful and conscientious with your household things and their own belongings? Uh, none.
The Importance of Downtime: Guarding Your Time and Energy
Sometimes we offer situations where our most valuable resource is given to or sought by our children. There is no limit to love, but there is a definite limit to time, which is what makes it such a commodity. In that vein, it is NOT your job to take all of your free time and give or gift it to your children. Kids are selfish and ego/self-centric and their brains are almost always focused on what it takes to get their needs met. Adults have the ability to defer or set aside wants a lot better, but that doesn’t mean that you are expected to set aside all of the “you” things for the sake of your children. There is no award for “Most Self-Sacrificing Parent.” Seriously, y’all, no one is keeping score and you can’t win by putting all of your children’s various wants in front of your actual needs. When it is kids first all weekend and you run yourself ragged taxi driving and paying for a million birthday parties, go karting sessions, trampoline parks, sports practices and games, and movies you leave little to no time for you to recharge as a human or for your family to learn to be in the same place at the same time without the need to insert constant entertainment. Parents need “me time” and they need downtime and they need fun time and they need kid-free time. That’s being human and real and realistic about what it takes to do a tough job (parenting) without being resentful, hateful, and disconnecting from who you were before you had kids.
Quality Over Quantity: Family Time Without an Agenda
Your kids need a chance for downtime too, even though their growing brains are driven to seek out things that are novel and fun and exciting. More importantly, your family needs time together without an agenda to just chat, share time, and be with one another. Your kids will live with you for a good long time, but eventually, they grow up and your role changes. When you reach that place, if you have given all to your kids, you will have nothing left for future you.
