A Message to Exhausted Moms: You Don’t Have to Do It All
Hello, hardworking, burned-out, and exhausted moms! The next few blogs are targeted right at you. As a more-than-a-little overachiever type, I am well versed in the attempt to do it all. Not just do it all, but actually be really awesome (and beautiful, and funny) while also fully succeeding in my various roles as mom, spouse, business owner, psychologist, and all-around human. Y’all, that’s a lot of pressure. I’m going to offer some input here that may make you cringe. Not all of that work is actually necessary, or even helpful. For those of you (us?) who have spent our lives trying so very hard to meet and exceed expectations, overcome challenges, and blow the curve, it will be very hard to hear that the very behavior that may make you feel like a super-accomplished mom is likely hampering your children. Yep, when you do it all yourself, you truly limit your child’s ability to grow, while simultaneously giving yourself an unrealistic and likely unrewarded role in your own life.
The Supermom Trap: Why Doing It All Isn’t Always Best
I am just as pleased as can be when I have 15 things going on at once and I have not messed any of them up. I picture myself like an elite juggler, with chainsaws, knives, and things that are on fire whirling around me while I prove my worth by keeping the whole thing going without missing a beat. The problem is that this willingness to take on all of the tasks and responsibilities leaves little room for others to do their part. This may include your partner, family members, coworkers, and yes, even your children. All of these jobs are things that you CAN do, but that does not mean that you SHOULD. Yes, you likely believe (any maybe it’s true) that these jobs are only truly done well when you do them. This is going to hurt.
Sharing the Load: Encouraging Growth in Those Around You
In order for those around you to feel needed, competent, and capable in their own roles, you have to be willing to toss some of your to-do list to others. They may/will mess things up and do it “not your way” and it may/will drive you literally up the wall. However, by being able to give up some things, you are showing those that you care for that 1) you believe that they are capable of doing things on their own, 2) that you trust them to take care of things that matter to you, and 3) that you need them and that they are an important part of your family and life. If you always do it all, there is no room for anyone else to have a role. This leaves others feeling useless and often, all of us hardworking moms, feeling a little irritated and a lot overloaded and unfairly burdened. Most burned-out moms do it all, but while harboring a little nugget of resentment that it feels like all of those things are their responsibility.
What Really Matters: Your Core Responsibilities as a Mom
Let me tell you ladies, IT IS NOT YOUR JOB to handle all those things yourself. As a mom, your job is to 1) help your children see and hear every day that you love them and that they belong in your life and in your family, 2) offer them food when they need it, 3) to make sure that they are not naked when it is inappropriate for them to be without clothing of some sort, and 4) that you have given them a safe place to lay down and rest when they need to. Notice, if you will, that this means that you are being a great mom when you hug your child, tell them how special they are, let them go to the grocery store dressed up as a pirate in the middle of February, and then toss a cooked frozen pizza on the dinner table while you prop your feet up for a few minutes. Part of the process of parenting is building self-sufficient humans. This does not magically happen when they turn 18. It happens second by second from the time they are little and only happens through the process of trying, failing, trying again, failing some more, and finally mastering that adult skill that they will need when they move out. It is a long process and painfully, requires a lot of biting your tongue, stepping back when you want to step in, and being OK with this growth process while it leads to results that are slower, sloppier, and more irritating than when you just do it yourself. Your child will thank you someday, I promise. Further, and maybe more importantly, future YOU will have a child who is more helpful, capable, and independent, which is a true win.
Toddlers and Preschoolers: What Is NOT Your Job
Let’s talk about what is NOT your job when you have a toddler or preschooler.
It is not your job to:
-prepare and serve every meal for your child after they are 2 or 3. This is the age that they can select and feed themselves snacks (placed in a kid-friendly location) and simple meals (like pouring milk into a bowl of cereal you left out for them).
-pick up all the toys once they are sleeping soundly in their beds and you have a few minutes of calm. If the house is a wreck when they go to bed but magically tidy when they wake up, it is like a cleaning fairy whizzed through and they will have very little opportunity to learn how to start play and END it by then resetting their space and materials. Children as young as 12 to 18 months should be a part of the cleaning process, with older toddlers and school-age children doing even more. If you want to pitch in, go ahead, but everyone should be a part of the cleaning process together, especially if they contributed to the mess.
-turn your world into a kid-only zone where you are surrounded by nothing but Peppa Pig and chicken nuggets. It is perfectly fine, and even potentially helpful, to choose kid shows you don’t hate. If you can’t stand another episode of your kiddo’s favorite show, it is just fine to pick one that is age-appropriate but easier for you to enjoy. It is also fine to serve a meal that your kids don’t love even if you know that means that they won’t eat much. If you like it and don’t feel the need to create two separate meals (which I think is almost always a no-no), adding a second option that you know that they do like to a main dish that they don’t love is a nice middle territory.
-spend 100% of your child’s awake time being engaged and entertaining on their terms. The process of learning to take turns doesn’t start and end with trading toys. It is an awareness that you are part of a family unit and that it is not always your turn to talk, choose, be in charge, win, or get your way. Every person in your family, even very young children, should be given time to play on their own, to play together, and to participate briefly in non-play activities that are necessary at home, like cooking/meal preparation, picking up, and cleaning. A 2-year-old can carry utensils to the table, a 3-year-old can help pick weeds in the flower bed, a 4-year-old can take the dirty dishes off the table and place them in the sink, and a 5-year-old can put dirty clothes in a hamper and carry it to the laundry room. If you create a world where your children are only in charge of fun and you are only in charge of work, you are going to dread your days and your kids will come to expect nothing more than free time, down time, and getting their way immediately. That’s not reality.
Being a Good Mom Isn’t About Doing It All
In summary, mamas, being a good mom does not mean doing it all yourself. It does not mean putting off the things you prefer or like because your kids don’t. It does not mean endless self-sacrifice while you indulge your child’s wishes instead. It does not mean being the cleaning fairy, short-order cook, or eating nothing but McDonald’s. It means loving, sharing, supporting, and growing with your kids. Part of this process is giving up some of the things you likely do better so that your partner and children can each have an essential, helpful, and independent role in your family. Check back for next week’s blog on what jobs are NOT yours when you have a school-aged child…