
Here in Dallas, the number of new COVID cases continues to climb but state and local governments are pressing to open up businesses and the economy as quickly as possible. This is a bad place to be in as a parent, because the messages are certainly mixed. This makes it hard to make a choice that feels like a good one and may also lead to a combination of fear and frustration as you walk your teenager through this decision-making process. After months of being cooped up at home, away from friends, and unable to attend school or go out, most kids are more than ready to get back to the lives they had before the pandemic. However, we are not yet at a place where prior movements and freedoms can be engaged in safely, especially if your family has members who are older, are in high risk groups, or if you have contact with older family members that you support or fully care for. Getting teens to take safety seriously is a struggle, but it’s never been more important to ensure kids are following the rules.
Open Up Two-Way Communication
The transition from teen to young adult is a big one, and is often highly dependent on the ability of your child to “branch out” to a larger social network outside of home. Teens are notoriously concerned about perception and the belief that others are constantly judging them, which is actually a normal developmental stage. As an adult and parent, their concerns may be drastically different from your own. Their appearance in a mask, perceived importance of social engagements, or being able to see friends or a romantic partner may seem like mountains to them while you see only molehills. Instead of dictating the rules (which may actually backfire and make them even less compliant), having a clear sense of what they want and need will make it easier to come up with rules that they can reasonably follow. This means opening up communication lines and really listening to their concerns. This will allow you to creatively work together so that everyone’s needs get met.
Listen and Let Them Know They Are Being Heard
Most of us can see the “unfairness” that has followed from an illness and restrictions that we cannot control. Teens may feel this even more strongly as they push against family boundaries to gain independence (which is super limited right now). It’s unfair that this happened at all, that it’s still happening after months of quarantine, and that, even though they’re not the people most at risk, they can’t just go back to doing things the way they used to. These are all true statements, even if they don’t change your ultimate plan for safely allowing an increase in movement and contact. Let them know that they are right, that you agree, but that there are still concerns that are present and need to be handled carefully and safely. This may help them “hear” you better when you address your concerns for them and your family (even if they are not concerned about the same things).
Help Them See the Big Picture
The portion of time spent in quarantine or social restriction feels like an eternity but is in actuality only about 3 months. It might not be over soon, but it’s also not going to last the rest of their lives. Helping your teen remember that the restrictions really are temporary can make it easier for them to follow rules in the meantime. This may mean sitting down and making plans for when things are less hazardous so that they can see you looking toward the future too (just make them flexible).
Make Sure They Know the Truth
Your teen needs to understand the truth of the situation, but you may find a lack luster response when you give them data, facts, and figures. This may make you want to bring the doom and gloom so that they take your warnings to heart, but that may not be the best plan of attack. Feed them the information they need, but in the way they need to hear it. Teenagers are likely to push back against lecturing or overanxious behavior. Avoid catastrophizing, or focusing on worst-case scenarios, to make an impact. Instead, focus on being transparent and grounded with them by emphasizing that that this is affecting everyone, that they have their role to play, and that you know that they can be a part of the solution versus being part of the problem. It may be helpful to bring in personal reasons why safety is important. At my house we talk about our older family members and how we want them to be safe. When you are talking about grandparents and great grandparents (we are aiming for 100 years old this year!) the message may be more meaningful.
Choose Sources with Credibility
Seek transparent data from sources such as the CDC, the World Health Organization, or NPR. Teens may also be reading or hearing information that runs counter to what the scientific community is saying. To head off misinformation, ask your teenager about what they’re reading and help them make sure information is coming from a trustworthy source. The direct access to data of all kinds at all times of day can make it hard for teens to be a critical consumer of what they are receiving. Talk with them about WHERE their facts should come from so that they don’t get led astray by rumor and clickbait.
Help Them Understand that More Safety Means More Freedom
Teens need to hear you emphasize that you want them to have freedom just as much as they do (even if it’s so you can stop staring at them while they scowl at you). When they do go out, tie independence to compliance with safety measures. The more willing they are to take safety precautions seriously like distancing, wearing a mask and socializing only outdoors, the more freedom they’ll be able to have. Help them really understand what precautions look like by measuring 6 feet to visualize it. My father is 6 foot tall, so I remind my kids that their Pop Pop should be able to lay down on the floor and not touch either person. Make a list of outdoor places where your teen could safely meet with friends, like a nearby park (if it’s not too crowded), the driveway in spaced out chairs, or even the back yard for a socially distant picnic. Make or buy cool-looking masks your teen is more likely to actually wear. You could even suggest they get matching ones for their friends.
Help Them Speak Up for Safety
We all know that every family is different and that not all people and families have the same level of concern or plan to practice caution. Just like talks on the other big things like sex, drugs, and alcohol, feel free to reinforce that this is a set of family rules and that you know others will have different approaches at times. Fall back on your child’s values and help them understand that you know that they can make the right choices to maintain family safety goals. However, for even the most cooperative teens, challenges will come up. They may have friends who aren’t (or whose families aren’t) taking safety practices seriously. Validate how hard this may be for your child to navigate and help them come up with a plan for what to say if things aren’t in line with your family’s safety expectations. It can be helpful to practice dealing with difficult situations before they come up. You might ask: What would you do in that situation? What are a few things you could say to your friend? Help them come up with words that will get the job done but still help them stay friends. If all else fails, you can always offer yourself up as a scapegoat to deflect peer pressure: “I can’t. My mom is really strict.”
Talk About Lying Before It Happens
Teenagers lie, it’s kind of part of the process. It’s annoying on a regular day, but could be dangerous for themselves and others under the current circumstances. It’s never been more important for kids to tell the truth about what they’re doing and to be honest if they’ve made a mistake, so that you can be sure the rest of the family (especially older or more vulnerable relatives) stay safe. The function of lying is almost always to avoid getting in trouble. So, you can head this off by offering kids a get-out-of-jail-free card for mistakes. If they’ll be totally truthful, tell them that you’ll put any kind of punishment or lecturing to the side. Help your teenager understand that these are extraordinary circumstances, and that the consequences of lying could be much more serious than getting yelled at or grounded.