Sibling Cage Matches and How to Be the Best Referee

I have a twin sister. I love her dearly and she is one of my best friends, but as children, we were like a pair of magnetic badger cubs (picture that for a moment). We couldn’t get along and bickered, picked, and battled over just about everything, but as soon as my parents tried to separate us, we invariably gravitated back toward one another. My own children are the same way. Anyone with more than one child in the home knows that even siblings who are the best of friends can still get on each other’s nerves. The social distancing and stay at home restrictions that are in place to keep us safe and healthy may then feel like being trapped in a pillowcase with those scrappy wild animals.

Constant sibling fighting can make the home feel like a battlefield, and the adults more like peace negotiators than parents. I often feel like my job at home is to separate prison inmates in the recreation yard. While sibling squabbles can certainly be stressful, this process has a purpose. Having siblings provides kids with good practice for social skills that they need in the real world. Learning to navigate conflicts with siblings (in a healthy way) can teach kids about things like taking turns, sharing, personal space limitations, when to seek help, and using words rather than physical force to solve a problem.

Here are some things parents can do to help keep the peace in the home.

GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER

To truly break the sibling fighting cycle, it’s crucial to take a step back and try to get at what the root cause of the conflict might be so you can address that instead. Are there items that constantly end in a fight (think video game console)? Is there a time of day that is more problematic than others? Sometimes, sibling fights serve an additional purpose; getting attention. When a parent jumps in immediately to referee the cage match it may be that the goal of one or both children is to gain your awesome parent attention. But they are fighting! They don’t want that kind of attention! Of course they do. They are children and they value and seek contact, input, and attention from you. It may be that fighting with a sibling is a guaranteed way to capture your attention when you seem so distracted by your phone, work Zoom session, emails, and phone calls that you ignore more subtle attempts that the child has thrown out for you to “look at me!”

INCREASE YOUR NOTICING SKILLS

Laying some positive groundwork may help reduce these negative behaviors. Stop and praise your kids right then for playing collaboratively. This may mean proactively saying, ‘I see you guys sharing that toy,’ or, ‘Wow, great job taking turns,’ or, ‘Wow, I love how you guys are playing together.’” Make sure that you specifically label and describe what you are seeing that you like. Inserting your own positive attention may help to reduce their need for negative attention later.

PLAN AHEAD

Positive praise may reduce sibling fights, but it is unlikely to eliminate them all together. Another thing that parents can do ahead of time is to coach the kids. Often the older sibling is the best starting place for training how to respond in a productive way rather than escalating a conflict. For example, you might let your child know that if her sibling hits her or snatches a toy she should come and calmly let you know rather than retaliating. Or if a younger sibling is always knocking down structures, for example, the parent can coach the older sibling to go in a separate room to build, or to build structures specifically for the other to destruct. Make it clear to your children that there’s a difference between running to a parent every time there’s the slightest disagreement and seeking help to resolve an issue.  Discuss and even role play when issues are big and need an adult. Violence and physical aggression should be at the very top of that list and should be a “full stop” item. Consider reading my prior post on use of Time Outs.

Let’s say that your observations suggest that fights about seating in the car is a daily battle. Make a plan to avoid conflict, such as having one sibling got to sit in the front seat on even days and the other kid on odd days. When children know what to expect and have a predictable solution there is often a preemptive remedy for conflict. Setting a timer for taking turns with a coveted object is another great, actionable tactic. It’s important to be clear on what items should be shared and what can be reserved. Is a brand new toy off limits? Certain special items? Parents can give kids each three stickers, for example, to put on three special things that are off-limits, which can be switched as their moods and preferences change. The important thing is to be clear and consistent, and to set up predictable outcomes — all while praising them any time they do a great job with it.

DON’T REINFORCE TATTLING

Another way to create a more positive dynamic between siblings is calling someone out for positive behavior instead of tattling. For example, encourage your kids to come and tell you when their sibling shares a toy or demonstrates kindness, then make a big deal out of the positive actions of both children. It may be useful to add a joint prize, like a piece of candy or extra free time. Depending on your family culture you may want to start a penny jar that gets them pizza night when it’s full, or have some other means of documenting all the good deeds that build for the whole family.

DON’T BURN THE TOYS

When fighting is at its peak and parents are stressed, they often come up with extreme responses. For instance, two children fighting over the Xbox and you yell that you are going to set it on fire in the backyard. Although I have been here myself (ahem), you either do it and look psychotic (not a life lesson you want to teach your children) or don’t do it and look erratic and inconsistent (also not something you want your children to believe about you). Come up with a plan for how to deal with a toy used in a Tug O’ War battle. Even with all this in place, there are going to be times when it feels like the only way to intervene is to remove the source of conflict. It’s totally fine to do that, but to make sure you give the toy back to them within a few minutes and give them a chance to practice using it appropriately. If you just snatch it and stash it (don’t burn it), there is no lesson there. You will have to repeat this move again and again and your children won’t learn. Unless they have a chance to practice the right steps, they aren’t really learning how to work collaboratively. This may mean getting them to agree to taking turns with the help of a timer then praising them when they do a good job.

FAIR IS A FIRST GRADE CONCEPT

“That’s not fair!” is a pretty common child retort in these situations. Please understand, life isn’t fair and it’s not realistic that every single thing in the home be equal at all times. Your older kid may get to stay up later, and while the younger kid may feel that this is a great injustice. As long as the household rules are consistent across children and parent discipline and praise for the same “core behaviors” then you are offering a balanced parenting approach. If you have a child who is chronically disagreeable, volatile, or aggressive and doesn’t get dealt with consistently (out of self-preservation), consider the Kids BRAIN course on parenting strategies specific to those kinds of tricky kids.

CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES

What about when one of your children has emotional or developmental challenges that may demand extra attention or accommodations? With forethought, planning and lots of positive praise, you can provide the parent structure and support needed for everyone to thrive. Talking openly about the issues their brother or sister may have is important for siblings, as well as listening carefully to their concerns and feelings. Behavior that’s difficult or disturbing is less upsetting, and less likely to incur retaliation by the sibling, when it’s understood that it’s not willful. Consider the below selections and the link to a set of books for siblings who have a brother or sister with a disability.

Collection of books for sibling of a child with a disability

https://adayinourshoes.com/siblings-special-needs-disabled/

https://www.amazon.com/Want-Only-Dog-Building-Relationships/dp/1934490865
https://www.amazon.com/Dragon-Sibling-Rivalry-Children-Relationships/dp/1950280020/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=sibling+rivalry&qid=1589294229&s=books&sr=1-4
https://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Youre-Stuck-Together-Learn%C2%AE/dp/1575423367/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=sibling+rivalry&qid=1589294250&s=books&sr=1-5

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