Parent Self-Care Is Necessary, Especially When Times are Tough

Some people are naturally built for solitary or socially limited activities. Personality-wise, they don’t mind talking and sharing experiences with others; they aren’t antisocial. However, the ongoing demand of small talk and sharing of personal information tends to drain the batteries of these individuals. They are natural introverts. Others are natural extroverts. They charge their batteries through social contact and exchange. It gives them a “high” to be with others, to talk, to laugh, to tell stories. I am personally a natural introvert, even though I spend most of my day talking and sharing with others. After a face-to-face work day, I enjoy getting in my car and driving with the radio off to give me a little quiet time before picking kids up at carpool, managing homework demands, preparing dinner, and putting out the various fires that happen as a part of being a family. My husband is a natural extrovert. He is always one of the last to leave a gathering, takes forever to say his goodbyes when we do leave, and when he was younger, was frequently the one that shut down the bar, restaurant, or family shindig at closing time. He gets grumpy when he doesn’t get the social connection that he needs. So, whether you are in one category or the other, you are likely struggling with social distancing mandates. This may be more true if you have children or other family in your household. For the introverts, you are likely feeling like someone always needs something from you. There are not as many opportunities for “you time” and your kids are loud and busy and stir crazy and trying to learn from home. If you are a natural extrovert, social distancing at work or the insertion of virtual communications is not cutting it I bet. You feel isolated and itchy to get out there, even if it means heading to the grocery store to stock up on meat specials.

The strain associated with social distancing is hard, period. Add kids and trying to get school and work from home done at the same time, and you have a mixture that can be toxic for some families. This can lead to parent and caregiver “burn out ,” where you don’t have the energy to provide the support that others need, which is then followed by a combination of resentment and guilt. That’s not a good combination. Social distancing has allowed us to reduce the number of people getting sick and dying. But, the unintended but not surprising tradeoffs are increases in alcohol sales and consumption, mental health issues, domestic violence, and child hunger. My hope is to provide some suggestions for parent self-care and frustration management so that we can avoid caregiver burn out and reduce family dysfunction that may follow from being trapped in the same place without a break for a while.

Understand and accept that you aren’t in control. Accepting the situation you’re in doesn’t mean you have to like it. Rather than fighting what you’re experiencing, just open your mind and arms wide and take it as something that IS. It also means accepting the feelings like anger and frustration that you may be experience and not judging yourself for them. Once you’ve acknowledged what you can’t control local and federal restrictions, the fact that your child’s school is closed, and the mandate that you try to do your job from a Zoom session, you’ll be able move forward to improve what you can control.

Acknowledge that right now, you are in survival mode. Be kind to yourself, and remember that though it may feel lonely, you are not alone. Everyone is going through this in one way or another. Set the parenting bar lower. Accept that there are going to be some days when if you can get everybody fed and bathed and squeeze in a little activity, that is a good day. I personally call this “making it to bedtime.” Some days the expectation is just to get both of my kids in bed safely on time. Adjust your expectations downward and if you overachieve, bonus. Being the perfect parent is impossible (despite what Facebook and Instagram would have you believe about other families). Being the perfect parent amid crisis is just downright delusional.

This may mean that you settle for less academically from your child. It’s virtually impossible to work from home and be your kid’s teacher five days a week. Do the best you can to finish the big stuff and try to build a structure for support that will allow your child to be a little more independent. Kids BRAIN happens to have created a course for this purpose because we know that you are struggling. It can also be helpful to check in with teachers when you feel comfortable doing so, since they may be able to give extra support in stressful situations or even just provide additional time to complete assignments.

Go back to basics. Try setting your priorities for the day in the morning, with basic care at the forefront. Everyone in the house needs good sleep, some nutrition, and some form of exercise every day. Find a few minutes a day for yourself. I tell parents in my office that parenting is like being a pitcher. Pick whether you are water, soda, your favorite adult beverage, whatever. Every time you provide support, care, or assistance to someone, you pour a little bit of “yourself” out. Eventually, your pitcher will run dry and you are guaranteed to be a subpar parent, spouse, co-worker, etc. In order to avoid this, you have to add to your pitcher a little everyday with self-care. This doesn’t have to be fancy; you may not be able to get your nails done, or have an hour in the sauna, or go to Happy Hour with your bros. Taking small breaks throughout the day is crucial, even if it’s just to stretch or to drink some water. Schedule 15 minutes to read a book, listen to music, watch a show on your phone, or color in an adult coloring book. Consider doing this someplace quiet. This could be in the backyard, on a lawn chair in the garage, or in the bathroom. You may need to be creative and you may need to agree with a co-parent that it is your time for a break. Do it. And then free up some time for your spouse or co-parent to do the same.

Get support from your village. Reach out to your child’s teacher, school psychologist, counselor, and/or to your own therapist. Contact clergy members or other spiritual leaders in your community. Schedule regular FaceTime dates with grandparents or your child’s favorite babysitter. Kids can entertain each other, too — setting yours up to chat with cousins or classmates can be a way to give other parents some breathing room at the same time. Scheduling these visits around the same time every day or every week can also give both your child and you a little bit of structure and something to look forward to. Have virtual meals with friends who live in other parts of the country and who are at home with their kids. Put a virtual Happy Hour on the schedule and include co-workers working remotely or a group of friends. Call to see if local libraries or the music class you used to attend with your child are offering virtual sessions. Remember that you’re not limited to resources in your geographic area. If a bookstore across the country has great kids’ events that are now online, this is your chance to check them out.

Do your best to come up with a plan that allows you to get work done and your child to get some support for school stuff each day. Working from home is hard and homeschooling is hard, so putting them together may seem like a cosmic joke. Speak with your employer if you’re working from home. Talk with them about taking some family medical leave or have a conversation about how to arrange flex time or how to consolidate work tasks during times that are going to align with what your child needs. Maybe you can complete some work outside of regular hours, like before the work day normally starts or take a chunk from the middle of the day and insert it later on so you can make sure everyone’s math and English worksheets are scanned and emailed without having to juggle a Zoom session with a client. Use visual aids and timers to let your child know when you’re available and when you need to work. Use a visual “stop light” by clipping a green piece of paper to the door when you’re available, and a red one when you’re not to teach kids about boundaries. You will need to check in frequently at first, but over time may be able to stretch out the work time where everyone is busy. Go easy on yourself. Like everything else about the current situation, your work life simply might not be up to its usual standards. Try your best to stay on top of your essential day-to-day tasks and take comfort in knowing that your supervisor and colleagues are likely facing similar challenges themselves.

You need to get ahead of behavior issues. The current situation is just as difficult for kids as it is for parents and conflict is unavoidable. As a parent, avoid the temptation to intervene if you can when children squabble. Having more than one kid at home can be great because they can keep each other company. The tradeoff is the inevitable bickering among siblings. This may be a great time to use those noise-cancelling headphones. It is helpful for parent to not be able to hear for short periods when children disagree. It allows them more time to work through stuff on their own, especially with teens and tweens. If you have little kids, you’ll probably need to be the referee and help them work it out. Expect some regression and tantrums. Do not engage with tantrums as much as possible as long as the behavior isn’t dangerous. Consider a prior post on the effective use of Time Out. We want to be careful that we don’t inadvertently reward kids in the middle of their tantrum with big, bold, and immediate attention, because it will reinforce that behavior and keep it going, even though that is not what was intended.

When shaping a child’s behavior so that they are doing less of what you dislike and more of what you want to see, it is crucial to “catch” your kids being good. General praise like ‘good job,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘way to go’ are just not as effective. Labeled praise is literally telling someone what it was about their behavior you liked: ‘Thank you so much for putting your plate in the sink.’” If you can identify clearly what you liked for your child, they will know exactly what to do to get more parent praise. You have to be watching and waiting for something to make a positive comment about. You are likely to miss something when caught up in your own thing, so take some time each day to disengage from your phone, computer, and other devices and just watch for things you can praise. The strategy of praising kids in this way is something that is especially useful in trickier kids with special needs like ADHD and autism. Consider the Kids BRAIN course on parenting tricky kids if you want to receive more guidance on this subject.

When it comes to daily life during the coronavirus crisis, we’re all making it up as we go along. It’s not going to be the same for everyone. How you cope will depend, in part, on how old your kids are, how independent they can be, and what your work situation is. This may mean honing strategies over time and finding things that your child can do safely and independently for a while (art? Legos? coloring? playing an instrument? STEM activities?) and mixing these in when it is critical that you get something done. You may be able to have some socially distanced playdates where kids meet outside and draw with sidewalk chalk. This would mean wearing masks and taking turns. Maybe your child draws for 5 minutes while talking with friends seated more than 10 feet away and then they switch and it is a friend’s turn to add to the drawing for 5 minutes. Maybe kids read aloud to each other during their required reading time during a FaceTime session. It could be helpful to make lunch and then offer a TV break for 30 minutes while you attend your staff meeting. Feel free to embrace whatever works for you and your kids. If you try a strategy that’s worked for someone else and find that it’s not right for you, let it go. Remembering that there is no “right way” to do things during this time can be the key to making this situation less stressful for you and your kids alike.

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