Reimagining Mistakes (Part 1)

A Border Collie dog has a paw on its nose because it is ashamed of its bad behavior. The dog is colored in shades of white and black and has long and delicate hair. An excellent herding dog. Panoramic

by: Dr. Katy Caldwell (Kids BRAIN Detective)

I read a quote yesterday that really stuck with me. It was written by Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist and author of the book, Think Again. “The best way to learn from your mistakes is to learn to laugh at your mistakes. The goal isn’t to stop wincing. It’s to stop being ashamed and start being amused by Past You. The faster you follow ‘oof’ with ‘haha,’ the sooner you figure out how to avoid the blunder next time.” Admittedly, I am someone who struggles with perfectionism and this quote really resonates with me because of the sheer discomfort I feel every time I make a mistake. Others who feel this, or those who have children who struggle to recover after mistakes, will understand what I mean. There are a few points in this quote that I want to discuss. There is a lot to unpack here, so I am going to start with the adult part of the story and then next week, I will talk more about how to help your kids better navigate mistakes when they happen.

First, Dr. Grant suggests that the goal is not for us to stop wincing at our mistakes. The goal is for us to stop being ashamed by them. For the vast majority, realizing that you have made a mistake feels uncomfortable. For some, it’s a gut-wrenching, stomach dropping, feeling of panic. For others, it manifests more as anger that is ready to erupt at the next thing that comes across your path. Whether the feeling is anger, anxiety, or worst of all shame, mistakes are not typically synonymous with feeling good and no matter how hard we try, it seems nearly impossible not to experience at least a little discomfort from our mistakes. Denying the discomfort in our experience will not lead to feeling less discomfort in the future. Dr. Grant proposes that the shift in mindset comes after the feeling of discomfort. Many people, especially those who struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, or low self-confidence, internalize mistakes or imperfections. If we are not careful, we start to view our mistakes as a “not-so-great” part of ourselves. So instead of our internal narrative being, “I made this mistake because at that moment I was tired, over-extended, focusing on something else” it becomes, “I made this mistake because I am not qualified, not trying hard enough, not good enough.” We start to hold onto our mistakes and then the next one hits us even harder than the last. What Dr. Grant suggests is that the sooner we can follow the feeling of discomfort with a feeling of humor or amusement, the sooner we can learn from our mistakes and allow ourselves room to grow. In this case, humor really is the best medicine. The first steps to helping your kids handle mistakes and to use them as opportunities to grow is to first be able to do that yourself. More on kid stuff next week, but for now, for more on this topic, here are some suggested resources:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck

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