Parental Burnout: Part 2-Ways to Recharge and Reframe

Last blog we started the discussion about what parental burnout is and what it looks like. If that talk gave you some insights that this may be something that you are dealing with currently, then this blog will be helpful. This is a two part set of tips, so join me for the final (part 3) as well to round out our talk. This time, we are going to talk about what the next steps look like to manage parental burnout. Although the focus of this blog is burnout specific to parenting, most of these tips are helpful for burnout in general, whether that is with a partner, job, or another role you play in your life.

Everybody Talk, Talk: one of the best ways to begin to heal the stress, shame, guilt, and dysfunction of parental burnout is to start talking. This can be really hard, especially for moms, for fathers who are primary caregivers, or others who are primary caregivers but are neither mom nor dad. The rules for a primary caregiver are different. Taking on this role often means social rules that dictate that, at least outwardly, you project an air of success and a feeling of joyfulness. Every time I hear a parent of a newborn proclaim that having their baby is the most beautiful and rewarding experience of their lives makes me cringe inside and feel a tendril of guilt and remorse in my belly. My first child was neither of these things. I had pretty stout postpartum depression for the first 8 weeks and mine was colicky. It was some of the darkest moments of my life and I still have a clawing sense of guilt that this may be one of my life’s biggest failings. That’s not accurate (I tried really hard, I persevered, I love this child with every fiber of my being), but it sneaks in a little every time. As a parent and psychologist, I find myself having the same thoughts and feelings that burned out parents feel too. The difference is that I am also aware that these beliefs are false to a certain extent. Admitting that you are struggling is not easy. Talking about how hard parenting is can make you feel “less than” and vulnerable. However, being silent about your situation and the big feelings that go along with it contribute to the problem, not the solution. When we as parents don’t feel safe talking to someone about our challenges, we isolate ourselves from our support options (“I must be the only one” runs thorugh our thoughts). You are not the only one and failing to talk about it makes other parents out there believe that they are alone too. Share with safe people in safe places. If you choose the internet, do so within moderated communities that have policies against shaming. Consider a mental health counselor or trusted mom/dad group instead if you can. Sharing in person is powerful stuff.

Reevaluate and Reframe: If you find yourself exhausted and overwhelmed by the process and demands of parenting, another excellent step is to move back a little. Being “in the trenches” every day with your kids can often limit perspective. Taking a step away from that in order to consider the lens that you are viewing your children and yourself through is important. This doesn’t undo the tough times, but it may offer an opportunity to think about your thinking. Is there a way that you can turn this feeling of threat into a challenge that you know that you can overcome? Can you focus on how quickly children grow and change and adopt a more “this too shall pass” way of thinking? Can you take a look at the successes that may be overshadowed by your being overwhelmed and see the lights shining through in the dark? Is it possible to observe that you have a lot on your plate but that others who love you would happily carry some of the burdens if you are willing to unload some?

Eat That Elephant One Bite at a Time: When we are feeling terrible and overwhelmed, the task or life we are facing can feel like an insurmountable challenge that we will surely fail at. How do we eat that elephant (as they say)? That’s right; one bite at a time. Parental burnout is different from job or role burnout because you cannot simply put this role aside to de-stress when you need to. Those kids require you to care for their basic needs and to “show up” every day to the best of your ability. When you are running low on energy, tolerance, and ****s to give, this makes this role different from all the rest. Rather than getting trapped thinking about the big stress points (which you may have no real control over), instead focus on the other smaller, and easier to delegate stressors on your plate and start to unload. This may mean passing things along to your children (they can likely do more than you ask them, including easy, daily household responsibilities) or spouse/partner. When you do so, you have to be able to let this item go and recognize that it is unlikely to be done “your way,” but that finished (even in a less than ideal kid way) is better than stressing you out. Breathe and smile at the release. Think about all the other things you have committed to or are faced with as daily requests. This is the time to gracefully decline, prioritize, and beg off of things that are not high on the necessary list. Yes, you COULD do that, but does it have to be you? Likely not. Taking some of the little stuff off your plate will leave you more refreshed and better prepared for the bigger stuff.

Let’s pause there for now. That’s a good starting place. I will share 3 more strategies in the next blog. But, let’s get going on these for now so that you can dive into to the others after you have started to clear some space.

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