This morning, I drifted into my teenager’s room, gently and lovingly touched his cheek, and softly said, “Hey babe, time to get up.” I turned on the light, went to the door, and turned around to find him snuggled down in his blankets like a cute little hamster. “Don’t go back to sleep babe,” I said. Drowsily, he says back, “Go back to sleep?”
Now with less gentleness than I had been leading with, I reply back, “Honey, why would I wake you up at 6:30 in the morning only to tell you to go back to sleep?” Insert exasperated sigh here.
This is a perfect illustration of why psychologists and other kid people will tell you how essential it is to use messages that are clear and actionable. I used a DON’T message. “Don’t go back to sleep,” “Don’t hit your sister,” “Don’t put your muddy feet on the rug,” and “Don’t slam your bedroom door,” are all DON’T messages.
They offer your objection but aren’t very helpful in getting your kids to understand what you are looking for. Most of the time, kids aren’t listening effectively (maybe most people aren’t to be fair) and they only catch the last part of what you said.
When you frontload your negative DON’T part, they miss it and hear only the part you want NOT to see instead. Use the DO part of what you are looking for. Examples would be, “Sit up so you can stay awake more easily,” “Keep your hands to yourself,” “Take your shoes off in the garage,” and “Close your door softly.” Add their name at the beginning to gain their attention and a please at the end, and your message is much more likely to get through the RIGHT way.
