Doing fun things is well, FUN! That’s the hard part about being the ever present voice of parental reason. It can feel almost impossible to pry your child away from the things they love the most and to easily have them move on to the things that you want them to do (which guess what, are often the opposite of fun). All of those mundane to-do lists, non-preferred activities, and as my dad says, the “you gottas,” are a real drag and can be a huge factor in fights and conflict.
In your little ones, turning off that favorite show so you can go to school, leaving the park, and putting the toy back on the shelf are all transitions that can lead to a melt down. In your tweens and teens, running out of screen time, stopping the game before the finish the level, turning on the virtual class that comes next, or coming home from a friend’s house can all be places where you get a huffy, grumpy, potentially aggressive or oppositional response. The purpose of this post is to guide you through some east steps to make these transitions happen more smoothly.
BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED
This is is before transition tasks, but preparation can go a long way toward smooth changes. Talk with your child about what you want to see. For instance, “When it is time to come home from Sophie’s house, I am going to need you to say OK and come home right away without arguing” or “When your screen time ends in an hour, I need you to put your iPad away calmly.” Often, we respond reactively to a negative response, but this may be avoided by just laying out the ground rules logically. Make sure you emphasize that if they can’t do their part (coming home without a fight, stopping the game, turning in their phone when its time) that you don’t have to do your part (allowing a playdate, giving access to screen time, paying for the phone plan). Simply talking about the social contract that goes with these things may pave the way for success.
MAKE A SCHEDULE AND MAKE IT VISIBLE
Prepping your child to move from one task to another can be supported with a visual schedule. This may be a simple two part sequence (we will do this and then we will do that) or a full day schedule. Be clear what is going to happen and when. If you are offering tasks that are not fun, consider using the Premack Principle. This is the process of staggering things that your child enjoys more with things that are less exciting or engaging. Link them together in your schedule, so that the unpleasant part is first and the fun part next. This can be used with phrasing that emphasizes getting to a good task WHEN they finish the one they don’t like. This is similar to the process of having to eat veggies to get to the cookie. As an example, “James, I need you to finish your math homework. WHEN that is done, come show me and you can start your video game break” or “Maggie, we are going to swing at the park. First, I need you to pick your toys up. When that is done, we can go!” Don’t use IF phrasing (“If you clean your room you can…..”), as this suggests that opting out is possible.
CARROTS HELP!
A basic principle of behavior change and behavior improvement is to offer a reward after a desired activity is completed. This increases the possibility that the behavior will happen again, because the behavior is now linked to the reward. Do this a number of times, and the push back will go down. This is a kind of “carrot” to moving forward and doing what needs to happen. This can be something like a treat, privilege, or fun activity. This can also be an intangible like a hug, kiss, high 5, or some other form of specific praise (“I love the way you got started right away; you are really growing up!”).
Try mentioning the item or privilege that you are using to reinforce or positively link to the behavior at the beginning of your directions. “Can you go on a bike ride? Of course, I just need you to put your homework stuff away first.” You might keep a special “stash” of reinforcers in the car for use when you are out and about. This is particularly helpful when younger children are moving away from fun stuff, like leaving the park. It might go a little something like this….“Andy(as you hold up two packs of gum), which flavor gum would you like, strawberry or grape?” As your child selects one, you guide them away from the playground. “I love that flavor, too. I’ll get your piece out while you climb into the car.”
GENERAL GUIDANCE
Make sure its time first: If you have other children, make sure everyone else, including you, is all set before you begin the transition time with your child. This is especially true for younger children, who are easily distracted and impatient. Limiting other tasks and distractions can help make the shift go as smoothly as possible.
Get close if you can: Have your child in close proximity to where the transition needs to occur. If your child needs to get dressed in her bedroom, but she is currently playing a game in the basement, bring the game to her room. If you need her to get dressed now, consider bringing the clothes to her. Try to remove additional obstacles to the transition. If your child needs to start his homework and he is playing outside, ask him to come inside first. Ask for a kiss, hug, or high 5. Have a fun activity or snack ready in the area where he does his homework. Wahlah! Happy camper ready for homework time.
Count down to success: Use time reminders to help your child know that the transition time is coming. Audio timers on your smartphone, or visual timers showing the elapsing of time with colors or moving sand can be helpful. For kids slow to transition or quick to blow up, start farther out, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes, go!
Making choices feel like being in control: One of the hardest parts about being a kid is that adults make most of your decisions for you. The need for independence is a big deal at all ages. Leverage the perception of control through choices that you don’t really care about. Does it matter which jammies they put on as long as they do it and then hop into bed? Nope. Does it matter if you have pizza tonight (versus tomorrow)? Not usually. Do you really care what order they do their chores in as long as they get done? Again, not likely. Offer options to help your child with transitions. You might say, “Do you want me to help you put your toys away, or do you want to do it by yourself? It is almost time to leave for baseball practice,” or “Do you want grilled cheese or pizza? We are ready to finish TV time and have lunch.”
Be flexible and calm: Adults have lots of rules that kids don’t. Socially, we can’t throw ourselves on the ground and scream, cry and throw things, or yell mean things at others when upset. Well, we shouldn’t at least, because we are grown up, have self-control, and understand the social consequences of engaging in these behaviors. So, if you are in a conflict with a child, remember that they will not only mirror your intensity level, but they have the ability to one-up you in a way that is not socially appropriate for a child. This is a power struggle and should be avoided. This means being very flexible when your little one is being very rigid. Again, offer choices, accept something close but not perfect, and give a little grace (without giving in). Demonstrate the behaviors you want your children to engage in. Stay calm and steady. If your teen is able to calmly indicate that the level they are on is over in 3 minutes and to ask for more time, it would be appropriate to agree. Your child has just received a reward for calm and effective communication. WIN!
