
COVID restrictions, stress, shut downs, and virtual lives have been and seemingly will continue to be tough. As a psychologist that works with kids, a lot of my Kids BRAIN families seek out support for parenting guidance. I am glad to offer it, but with a caveat; I am learning this process along with you. I am no expert. This doesn’t mean that my insights can’t be helpful, just that being a “parenting expert” is likely a made up title. I consider myself a pediatric psychologist who is also a learning, struggling, loving, and flawed parent.
This past 15 months has offered more “down time” at home with my kids present than was previously the case. Whether from virtual schooling, our Christmas COVID quarantine (that was fun), or our ongoing caution in an attempt to remain healthy and protect the ones we love, we have spent a LOT of time together as a family. This has been great. This has been stressful. This has offered an opportunity to reflect on how I parent. More so, it has offered an opportunity to redefine how I WANT to parent. As a result, I did a deep dive into some wonderful books that I have had very strong responses to. Most made me cry because they offer insights that are “duh, of course” in their reasonableness but also lay open the roots of what obstacles stand in the way of me being the parent that I want to be. I have included some of them below if you would like to explore your parenting as well. Be advised, these are not “how to” books. Parenting is a mindset and a process. I have found, much to my irritation and chagrin, that parenting is also largely about being the person you want your kids to learn from and to mimic in their everyday lives. Talk about a kick in the…whatever word you want to insert here. The unfortunate part of the story is that to be a better parent, you have to be a better person. Sigh. I wish it was as easy as a “how to” book or a motivational poster or ever a deep desire to do better.
In one of my many reading sessions I came across a really simple idea that made me profoundly sad but I have also held it close and tried to keep it front of mind since. A little backstory for those of you who don’t know me. I’m pretty Type A. I like to be in charge (which may be why I own my own practice instead of working for someone else). This means I am REALLY hard on myself. I’m working on it. But this also means that I can have unrealistically high standards for others at times, including (any maybe especially) my own children. Sorry boys, also working on this. So, my eyes and brain naturally gravitate toward things that could use some “fixing.” When I’m not actively thinking about it, this means when I walk in the door from work and immediately comment on the garage or the sharpie on that new uniform shirt or the squabble I hear between my kids in the next room I am doing my part to make sure people are aware of what can be improved. With some added consideration, I am now fully aware that this is critical and is not helping me connect with my kids. Its probably also “killing” my message about cleaning up after yourself, or being kind, or taking care of your belongings, which is what I have convinced myself I’m “parenting” about.
My research and soul searching has revealed that these lessons are best offered through example not lectures and not criticism for the sake of criticism. I ran across a quote and discussion in review of some of Brene Brown’s writings and interviews that brought me to tears (again, this has been an emotional exploration, sigh). In the sage and spot on words of Ms. Toni Morrison, “Let your face speak what’s in your heart. When my kids walk in the room my face says that I’m glad to see them.” After a long day at work, when I come into my house or into a room where my husband and my children are, I try to channel my fox red Labrador retriever. I smile, make eye contact, and offer a greeting that shows that my heart is so pleased to lay eyes on my guys. My dog acts like I’m the coolest person on the planet when I come in the door, even when I have just stepped out to collect the mail or to pull a few weeds and he saw me a few minutes ago. It makes me smile and it makes my heart feel good. I want my kids to smile and for their heart to feel good when they see me. I want them to know that I really SEE them and love them and am grateful to have them. We can pick up the garage, talk about how going to school naked with stink if you damage all your clothes, and have a chat about how kind words are a family rule later. For now, I’m going to show what my heart feels for these guys while I can see them everyday.


