We are who we are, at least in part, because of how we were raised. Whether we like it or not, our early interactions with our parents, family members, and caregivers shaped who we are as people. This early model of what “mom” or “dad” looks like is what our brains use when creating our own parenting style in adulthood. Most people will grow up with a relatively safe and secure caregiver(s) that allow them to grow and develop the ability to connect effectively with others, including their future children. If your parents were not able to provide a consistently caring and supportive household, you are likely starting from a different place. There are a lot of reasons that a parent may not be able to provide this, and none of them involve a parent who CHOOSES not to parent consistently or caringly a vast majority of the time. Most people who did not have exposure to safe, steady, and predictable parent-child time growing up have parents that also did not have this.
Connections between parents and their children are often generational, with similar patterns playing out again and again. Why? The answer is that children do not come with a manual and the only resources many of us have when raising our own children are simply the “tools” our own parents taught us through their interactions with us. We parent how we were parented most of the time (although you can change your parenting style for the better, so have hope!!). Let’s dive into the various attachment/connection patterns that may be in play for you (as a child of your parents) and your children.
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is established between a child and their caregiver(s) when the parent is consistently emotionally available, able to perceive their child’s emotional states and needs clearly, and is responsive to these cues in a predictable and positive way. Attachment is not a one-hit-wonder. These connections are made through all of the interactions between a child and their caregiver and build up over time to result in attachment. The presence of a parent that 1) recognizes that a child has a need, 2) can accurately understand that need, 3) shows through facial expressions, gestures, body language, touch, and action that they understand, 4) reacts and responds to a child’s signals in a positive, nurturing, and connected way, and 5) can repeat this process again and again with good consistency are likely to have created a secure attachment for their children. This then has to be maintained over time.
Avoidant Attachment
This attachment or connection style between a parent and child occurs when the parent is any or all of several things. This can happen when the caregiver is emotionally unavailable. This can be because the parent is emotionally overwhelmed by the process of parenting and is “shut down.” This can be due to a parent who does not express positive emotions toward a child regularly (is frustrated, sad, or anxious much of the time). When we as adults deal with unresolved or untreated mental health issues, a history of trauma, or painful life experiences (or a combination of these) that have impacted our ability to experience a range of emotions in a healthy way, this impacts our ability to teach our children these skills. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to teach and model emotional control, consistency, and awareness if we don’t have mastery of these functions ourselves. Parents who struggle to read their child’s cues are more likely to have a hard time conveying consistent understanding in a way that their child can register. In a secure attachment, the parent is seen as the safe haven, home base, and secure touchstone that can be relied upon when things are painful, scary, difficult, and unpredictable for a child. When avoidant attachment occurs, the lack of a parent/caregiver’s matched emotion, reaction, or security prevents this secure connection.
Children are adaptive and will always seek ways to survive and thrive, even if a parent is unable to fully serve as their “safe place” in the storms of life. In the case of avoidant attachment styles, they adjust and compensate by emotionally distancing themselves from their parent and may even begin to reduce the time spent with that parent over time (as a self-protective mechanism). Parents who grew up in “emotional deserts”, with parents who lacked connection, empathy, and consistent outward indications of caring, are more likely to repeat these patterns in their own parenting. They are simply parenting how they were parented.
Ambivalent Attachment
So, secure attachment is when parents are aware, responsive, and consistent in using appropriately matched responses (i.e., hungry baby=feed the baby) a large portion of the time (perfection is not needed here). Avoidant attachment is when the parent is not often aware, not accurate in their responses (i.e., hurt child=try to change them, feed them, and/or ignore the crying until it goes away), or unable to consistently serve as a child’s safe place. Ambivalent attachment is when the parent switches between being a safe and secure option and a parent that is missing signals, ignoring what needs to be done to help, misreading clues as to what a child needs, or is “off” (too big, too small) in their emotional availability (so anxious they can’t manage their own levels of distress, etc.). This hit-or-miss connection leads to adaptation on the child’s part. Instead of running directly to their “safe haven” parent when things go weird or wrong, they aren’t sure if that will work to meet their needs. This creates a sense of anxiety and uncertainty about whether this might be a time when they will get a connected caregiver response (which helps) or a disconnected or unaware caregiver response (which doesn’t help). This uncertainty in their connections with caregivers carries over into their connections with others in their lives, and the pattern repeats itself from parent to child. This can be true in the insecurity felt with a spouse, romantic partner, siblings, friends, and co-workers.
Disorganized Attachment
The final insecure attachment type is disorganized attachment. This occurs in families where aggression is used at a consistently high level. This is often a pattern of behavior that stems from a family history of abuse or neglect, which is then transmitted from parent to child along the family line. Disorganized attachment occurs when a parent’s behavior toward the child is consistently a source of fear. This can be because the parent is prone to volatile emotional outbursts or that big emotional experiences are so disorganizing to the parent that the caregiver disconnects fully. This is often a parent that presents with one of the other attachment styles much of the time, but in moments when stress and distress levels are very high, becomes overwhelmed by such large emotions that they respond with aggressive behaviors or a complete disconnection. In such cases, a child’s attachment with their parent is also not organized and the adaptation on the child’s part is to mirror back with behavioral aggression of their own or to similarly try to shield themselves by withdrawing or emotionally separating themselves from an experience that their child-brain can’t handle or understand. Heavy stuff, I know.
Next week’s blog will cover how best to support yourself as a parent as you become more aware of your own attachment style. This can help adults overcome some of the attachment baggage they carry around in order to adjust and change the familial patterns created as they parent their own children.